Red Letter Assassins

While at the pisser some guy decided it would be a great time to strike up a conversation. Well I’m a jackass by nature and I really felt like telling this idiot that it’s against the man code to talk to other men while they are trying to empty the urine sack but I was suffering from the worse case of piss cancer (the kind of piss that hurts your soul). So, I humored the sick fuck and we talked over the sound of tinkling with our balls out. Now what do you think this guy had to say that was so important he needed my attention during a piss session. Well I will tell you first we exchanged names no one shook hands of course due to hygienic reasons and he just went right into it.

“Yeah so you heard Martin’s wife died.”

This comment got me a bit irate; “who the fuck is Martin do I know you?”
“No man Martin Luther King.”
“OH... that fucker’s wife died well shit man I dedicate this piss to him”
“I think they plotted to kill her right before black history month”
“Who is they?”

“Who do you think “they” is, “they” are same people that have been killing the black man for years and years… the fucking Chinese!” Obviously I was not ready for this revelation one because I’m sure Chinese people were pretty harmless I mean if you think about it using little sticks to eat is nothing compared to using a knife and fork which is just a miniature version of the devil’s fork (yes the knife and fork double as weapons). The second reason I was amazed was because the guy talking to me was white yet angry so I just assumed he was European. Anyways when he broke the news to me I was so startled I leaked on my hand a bit no biggie though no one saw it. Now I was just about to tell this guy politely to fuck off but then he started dropping straight knowledge.

“What is the number one killer of black people…? Heart Disease… what do the Chinese make? They make delicious sweet and sour sauces riddled with calories and set up shop in the grimiest parts of the city known amongst them as black holes. Even if black people are dying by the second highest killer of their race; gunshots, guess who can’t patch you up in time… uh huh yeah that’s right the Chinese doctor, Chinese doctors act as if black people have their organs in different places, like you need some sort of rap music to decipher the where abouts of the heart. (If there was a said rap song for the black heart it would be a compilation diss tape of Tupac and Biggie over the masterful beats of Just Blaze).”

“Russell Simmons one of the richest black men, what do they do, they send a secret spy bitch to keep track of him and that idiot marries her”

“We all know Chinese people can’t drive right? Well guess who those bastards are crashing into… that’s right the black man”

I was so in tuned to what this guy was saying I hadn’t realized a group of black males had come into the bathroom and we were now all surrounding this man like the disciples of Jesus waiting for him to break it down some more. Then he dropped a bomb on us…

“They killed Martin’s wife because they know black people wont retaliate on black history month, when did Malcolm die, where did Huey Newton go before he was arrested… why brothers… why does Chinese food taste so good.”

We couldn’t deny it any longer we all looked around and I could see in everyone’s eyes that day that we knew all along who had been doing this to us but he had one last thing to say; “If you build computers, you can put things in them…”

I had not seen the world but now I felt its pain thank you toilet priest, thank you....

If you want more information or you want to share your stories soccer_chris@hotmail.com  ¶ 1:22 PM 3 comments