Some say “hey you” come on I want more ranch sauce on my ceaser salad. Well I say hold on there Simon there are only so many wide fields and picket fences I can fit into a bottle.

I was out breaking my usual habits of being a nerd and decided to gyrate my hips in cool jeans with the rest of them. This trail of thoughts landed me at a nightclub I can’t say where because as you all may know this is a well established site now and I wouldn’t want the head of the glowstick union coming down to HQ shaking his gelled hair in my face while wearing an entire outfit from Parassuco end scene. I wasn’t having a good time mainly because I don’t know how to dance but partially because it was a cock and ball reunion with all the regulars (Chinese kid with glasses button shirt that’s too big, Indian kid with chin strap and tons of Indian girls which you cant talk to because they cant marry outside their race, crufty black guys with short and tall friend, white males from age 21-35 who all look 40) yes people it was cock on the high seas and you couldn’t get through the dance floor without doing at least 10 things that made you gay. So when I finally found the one single girl in the club and asked her to dance I was not surprised when she said no because what would you do if you saw a bowl of shit and someone said hey dude I think there might be a diamond in there… would you say of course your right and put your hand in it. I mean it is a bowl of shit and not some regular bowl I’m talking about those metal mixing bowls and the shit is real watery but you cant see through it so it wont just get on your hands some might absorb into your soul. Feeling a little down from the rejection I thought I would see what Jack and Daniels had to say… now drinks at clubs are really expensive and maybe the bartender felt otherwise because when I asked for my drink she said “…are you going to tip me this time!?” So I gave her a tip and told her she had some lovely side boob. What is this world coming too when you have to take lip from eye candy if it was the 80’s I would of threw some snort in her eyes and got back to Duran Duran but unfortunately it is not the 80’s so I had to settle for a pissed off bartender who now decided to give me more coke than Jack. All of this isn’t important what is important is I got out of the club and saw the girl who rejected me. I thought “naw if I pwn noobs I can pwn her heart” that’s when I hit her with my fool proof line

“so how about we get drunk and fondle each others genitals?”

“…uh..yeah”

Needless to say it got interesting from there and we went to a back alley to fondle each others genitals. Well that’s when I woke up only to realize my dog was licking my crotch and America’s Top Model was on the TV. I let Rusty finish and went back to sleep but this is what I learnt; They toast sandwiches because everything taste better toasted…but what if we toasted a toasted sandwich would that make it the best? Surely subway is playing God.

¶ 11:17 PM